Fat Girl
by MaladyVM
Summary: Seeing things and never fully letting yourself register them is safe. We all have boundaries, some of us limited by our emotions. That's why I can't let myself realize what's wrong. Kim & Jared
1. Chapter 1

Seeing things and never fully letting yourself register them is safe. We all have boundaries, some of us limited by our emotions. That's why I can't let myself realize what's wrong. There's no reason to pull attention to myself. I'll keep living, i'll keep acting. I'm constantly trying to fnd my place in this small rainy reservation.

My name's Kim Conweller i'm 17 years old, and a student at La Push High school. I stand at about 5'2". I look a lot like the rest of the kids down here. Russet skin, dark brown hair, and eyes to match. Nothing that extroadinary.

Everything sounds fine, doesn't it? Well, I left out a major detail of my description.

I weigh 187 pounds, technically considered obese. No matter what angle I'm looking at, I hate my reflection. Every other girl here is a twig. My weight's my biggest insecurity.

I've lost weight actually, my heighest was 214. Before the weightloss, I was binging and purging. I restricted my calories as long as i could until I ruined everything with the binging. I started losing weight the healthy way, and I've been seeing results. I've felt depressed lately with binging ,purging, restricting, and self harm coming back. It's just not my choice anymore. I'm not anorexic or bulimic though. I'm fine, I have enough real problems to focus on right now anyways.

At school, I have a descent amount of friends. In a small town like this, every prolem looks a million times worse. That's why everyone's talking about a select group of guy's at the high school. I've never really talked to any of them, my body stole my confidence. Their names are Jake, Embry, Paul, and Jared. Everyone's saying there on steroids because of there newly developed muscles. Growing 2 feet in 2 weeks was insane.

Embarassingly enough, for as long as I can remember I've had a crush on Jared. A complet waist of time really, nobody wants a fat girl. He's too good for me. I'm so tired of my weight holding me back.

I mean yeah i've had friends tell me I'm not that big, but they're only saying that to make me feel better. I feel bad for them to hangout with me, just because they feel sorry for me. I sighed as I pulled myself out of a daydream. Too many boring classes, but on the bright side I sat right beside Jared. Assigned seating ofcourse, but i'm not complaining. He hasn't looked at me once though, something constantly on his mind?

I sat there trying to figure him out, as he turned to pass me a handout. I stared right at him not expecting him to look back, but he did. One of the most frightening things I'd ever experienced. I immediatetly froze, every insecurity finding it's way back to me. My breath stopped and my heart was racing. I was desperately waiting for him to look away but he didn't. His eyes had lit up and he was smiling.

I was near tears, I hoped he didn't notice. With his eyes glued to me I couldn't stop my thoughts "You know what he's looking at fatass." "Did you honestly think he could ever like something, like you?" "He's amazed he finally found someone completley disgusting to torment." With that I had to look away, but right before i saw the greatest pain in his deep brown eyes. Before anything else could happen, I was saved by the bell.

~~~~~COMMENT?~~~~~

I'm wondering if it's a bit much? Although all of the insecurities are real. Yay for the first chapter! I'm gonna laugh so hard if I don't get a response :) I'm hoping for one though, I put some effort into this.


	2. Chapter 2

I think it went over well, didn't it? If your one of the people who put me on your story alert and didn't comment please do! Lol I really do care what your thoughts and opinions are. I'm really not that big of a bitch either, no reason to be afraid. I'm just kidding but really you should comment ~~~~~~~~~~and to the story~~~~~~~~~~

I grabbed my books as fast as I could, Racing to get out the door. He just sat there frozen, like I'd told him one of his parents had died. My absolute favorite class was next, gym.

That's really not that big of a fat thing either. They conveniently put me in a class with the best athletes and obviously none of my friends.

As soon as I'd made it into the hall, I felt teachers' eyes scrutinizing me. I kept my head down trying to make it through. Of course that really doesn't work though does it?

I walked past a guy I'd never seen before, something that was a rare occurrence in a place this small. As soon as he saw me he snapped back and an instant "Damn your fat!" came out.

I'm sure my face was bright red. What was worse was that I actually got a chance to realize who was around me. All of Jared's "crew", a few sympathetic eyes, all from girls. Nobody said anything; the only noise came from the guy's laughter. All I could do was walk away. Pretend I didn't hear it? That was something I could only wish for, everyone had heard it.

I walked with my head even lower than it was before to the locker room. A few things were said to me. The only friends in there I had were Abby and Nichole really. This was the main place we talked even though they were in most of my other classes. I took my pants off to reveal my leggings I always wore underneath. I'd been asked a few times why I didn't take them off, saying I was just insecure was better than the truth.

The reality was that I had self-harm scars all above my knee. Something I couldn't be straightforward with. I'd rather make myself stand out further then come out and have myself labeled as the "emo weirdo." I'm a DD cup so I wear a full coverage bra and a sports bra on top. I'd had one of my male friend's say he wants to see me run several times just to see my boobs bounce. In this class I was the second to last runner.

I spaced out for the rest of the day trying to forget what had happened.

~~~~So next time I want to give a glimpse of Kim's home life! ~~~~~


	3. Chapter 3

~~~~~Hey! ~~~~~

Sometimes I really don't know why I'm in my body. It sounds so messed up I know. I just have to ask myself why this is me? Why am I the painfully shy, flawed, and insecure girl? I always feel so low after purging. I'm constantly waiting for the moment where it'll all stop. The hate, the hiding. When is it going to be my time? Whose going to stop there amazing life and focus on me? I sat in on the bathroom floor near tears wondering why I couldn't be like the girls who'd looked perfect there whole life. When I got a knock from my little asking for juice. Wow, way to ruin myself pity.

He's really a big responsibility in my life. I've been spending long nights playing mommy with him since I was 8. No seriously my mom worked night shifts and his dad was in prison. My mom says that's the reason why I'm so mature, but she doesn't really know me. I couldn't tell you how many times she tells me the same stories in the 4 conversations a week we have.

The short version of the story is that well she had 3 kids all from different guys. Now currently she's fucking this guy named Jeff. So I'm basically gone every weekend. If I don't leave Id be stuck listening Saturday afternoon orgasms. Which is pretty disgusting because I don't even know what the guy looks like? You'd be amazed how many secrets there are in a place like this. Nobody on the reservation questions anyone, it's all Forks.

"Wow turn around Kim" my mother said surprised. I honestly wondered what she was looking at. "Omg! How much do you weigh now?" This actually made me sad because I'm still the 187 I was last week. "You look so much thinner….just work on your sides." Yeah thanks. I was planning on skipping dinner through the week and spending my extra time working out and doing homework. Now, I felt like pushing myself further. Maybe salads all week? It's better than a chicken sandwich at lunch…but maybe instead of sides just a salad?

I'd figure out my food plan later the compliments make me more afraid of food than I was before. I can't eat certain things anymore. I have to work out. I have to purge when I fail. I have to do better or ill just be a bigger disappointment. Finally losing weight makes me sad though. I still have my self harm scars all over my thighs! I'm such a dumbass I don't know I keep doing this stuff to myself. Lately I'd been purging 3 times a week. Working out daily and not starving myself.

Its Sunday my weekends basically over but I can look over what happened-

I woke up Saturday with every intention of getting out of the house. So my first stop was to the shower. By the time I got out I realized it was raining. No more like storming. I changed my plans and stuck to my normal routine of spending my weekends with my best friend Kara. I didn't have to ask my mom to know anything would be fine. She wanted me gone. That realization actually makes me depressed.

We went to the store to buy food for dinner. We were both in weekend clothes but I had full face makeup on as usual. I walked to find chips as she went for macaroni. I should have been watching what I was doing but I totally spaced it finding myself bumping into a rock. A rock that didn't move. I backed up to see that the "rock" was in fact Jared. Fuck me. I knew he wasn't interested but I can't wait to hear what comment he makes about this situation.

As I mentally prepared myself for something that most definitely wound me he just looked at me. Really not what I expected. By the look on his face it seemed like he was just as afraid of what I'd say. "I'm so sorry, are you okay?" he asked me. So not what id expected. His eyes were do gentle and caring but most of all apologetic. I think I fell harder for him in that moment then I ever had before. How pathetic some fat girl getting her hopes up.

Again I couldn't stand myself. I have no self worth. So"yeah" was all I said before I ran off. I couldn't deal. I honestly don't even know who's around me. I know he doesn't care about me though. Who could?

~~~~ A sad chapter ~~~


	4. Chapter 4

Hey Honeybee! Review please?

The world of Face book, absolutely amazing right? No, but weird things really do happen on there. Say I acted like a complete fool Saturday? It was pretty bad. I was feeling very embarrassed for the longest time, but I got an instant message from him Tuesday night. I was nervous to say the least, I do one thing wrong and he can't even pretend to forget? We've never been friends, his friends hate me, so I'm sure he does to. Actually I'm not sure, after the 3 second conversation we had. (Their convo- he's first)

-Hey

-Hey what's up?

-Not much. I just feel terrible after what happened, and I needed to know if you're okay?

-I'm fine.

Awkward? Seriously, he can't even respond back? I know he doesn't really care either. His mom probably made him apologize. From what I'd seen she was a sweet woman. Anyone can act fake though, and at this pace I'm going to miss the bus. I honestly don't get all gamed up every morning for myself. I guess I'm still a child at heart. Thinking maybe someone will come by and save me. My personal prince charming. Please I have seriously low standards. Everyone knows my fatass couldn't get a date if I tried. As id predicted I was running last minute out to the bus stop. Nothing exciting happens there.

I sit by a girl named Marie. Again assigned seating. She's okay, but everyone makes fun of her rotten teeth. I honestly feel bad for her. It's really her fault for not taking care of them though. After an excruciatingly long bus ride we were in the building. I walked by one of myself to my locker. My friend Ana must be absent, she wasn't waiting for me. I got breakfast with one of my guy friends Brandon.

I saw Jared watching us when were in line. Something was wrong…He looked jealous? Not possible, I'm not going to get my hopes up. We made it to homeroom okay. I talked to Abbey completing her on her outfit and zoning out for most of class thinking about Jared. There's just no way he likes me. He hasn't even spoken to me. Brandon just had a reputation as a player, and well….liked to flirt? That doesn't mean anything though.

Nothing caught my interest until I was on my way to 5th period. I was walking by these two girls. I really couldn't help but overhear them.

-You need to eat!

-I'm skipping lunch again.

-Why?

-I'm fat! I don't need food. I hate myself, I cut myself.

Wow, that sadly sounded familiar. I remember seeing how disappointed my mom was when she found out I cut myself. More mad though. The girl was only 20 pounds heavier than me. In that moment I wished someone would tell her how beautiful and important she is, but nothing happened. I guess now I have to save myself, because my prince really isn't waiting.


	5. Chapter 5

~~~~~ I just wanted to make it clear, if anything seems like it's not in the story, I guess that's related to me instead it's not. I mean it's my experience shown through Kim. ~~~~~~~~

My sad epiphany was still running through my head. I can honestly say I'm ashamed of what I'm letting happen. You remember Brandon? Yeah well, he likes me…and he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who's actually a good friend of mine.

I wanted to tell him no, I did! I'm desperate and disgusting so guess what I'm letting happen? Ever heard of friends with benefits? Yeah, I guess this is as close to a real relationship as ill get. Everyday ill get closer to his girlfriend Serena and everyday ill let this continue.

All it was was a simple kiss though…..but my first. I could tell you about how lightheaded I felt, and how the butterflies flew in my stomach, but I'd rather not. All I want is to be wanted. This all started because he's not getting any from Serena. Sad right?

Every time he touched me today, and then having Serena come talk to us made me feel sick. What was worse was the look on Jared's face. I've come to believe he's sweet; he picked me first to work with him in class. Not much, but it was unexpected.

He even sent me worried looks at lunch when he noticed I wasn't eating. Also in homeroom when id throw my breakfast away. I was finally feeling like I was doing something right. I'm proud of the control I've built. I'm only 180 pounds now though.

I hadn't seen the depressed girl in the again either. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. I'd always told it was okay for me to want to better myself. I can't see anything wrong with what I'm doing.

There are hundreds of girls online with their Pro Ana blogs id started visiting. Most of them were like food journals. Most girls had a fit if they were 50 calories over there budget. They're helping me build the strength I need to succeed. I can't fail or I won't even have Brandon.


	6. Chapter 6

~~~Sort of like a journal entry? (Kim's pov)~~~

I'm freezing and I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. The storm outside makes my mood worse. I can't even get a response from Brandon. I texted him like an hour ago. Right now it's just me. Well if you include my little brother. I still have to work out tonight. I feel absolutely horrible.

It's in these moments where I feel so alone I want to cuddle up with hot chocolate and read chicken soup for the soul books. Honestly I probably will, so pathetic. My insides hurt and I feel numb to everything around me. Especially the jellybeans under the couch cushion. My mom would flip if she them, but she wouldn't be the one cleaning them up.

I feel so forgotten and unwanted. Like I lost everything I never had. All my emotions have flown into something fake. I'm tired of acting, of lieing, of daydreaming and obsessing. It won't end, it may get better but it won't end. I just want to shut everyone out for a while and fall into myself.

Fall more into self-harm but when does that stop? When will hurting myself because I don't know anything about myself stop being the answer? Every night I looked down at the scars that'll never fully go away. What happens when I have to explain myself?

It won't matter how many "friends" I have all that matters is whose with me at the end of every day. When will someone love me and care for me. I feel like my weight ruined everything for me. I'll be that girl who has a guy throwing rocks up her window in the middle of the night. I guess I just don't deserve that.

I never thought this is how I would turn out. I never understood why anyone would intentionally hurt themselves. Once I start it's so hard to stop. I lost my train of thought as my phone went off...Is it him? Nope just a friend I didn't feel like talking to. I'm nice though so I wrote back. Another text, I'm really wishing this trick would leave me alone right now.

It's from Jared? He's seriously texting me? Are we being for real right now? Today I had to give him my number for the assignment were working on but I didn't actually think he going to text me. (There convo)

Jared-Hey I was thinking maybe we could hangout tonight if u want?

Kim- Yeah that sounds fine we just need to work something out, but anything would be fine with me.

Jared- Okay cool ill pick you up in an hour?

Kim- sounds good

He really wants to hangout with me? I was seriously thinking I was the most boring bitch in the world for a little while, but maybe this is a sign?

~~~~ Review to see what happens!~~~~


	7. Chapter 7

~~~ I'm honestly amazed I made it to chapter 7. Review? ~~~~

I'm sure this isn't meant to be a date. Probably more of an intervention. I've never had one of those with my parents I've always got an "I'm going shove my foot up your ass if you do it again!" So I suppose it'll be nice to hangout with someone who cares.

I'm not really sure how much time I have till he arrives but I know I look like shit. I ran up stairs to hurriedly to change out of my pajamas. I picked out a pair of light wash skinny jeans, a tank top, a jacket and a scarf. All paired with flip-flops. I pulled my hair into a high ponytail. After that I quickly applied mascara, eye-liner, foundation, blush, and lip gloss. After refixing everything in my bedroom mirror there was a knock on the door.

I quickly cam down to answer it, messing with lock for a whole minute before I actually managed to get it open. What was waiting for me on the other side was worth the hassle. There he stood over six feet tall, Dark brown hair, and eyes a few shades darker, all with a muscular frame. He was gorgeous and I knew he wasn't for me. I watched as he examined me the same way I was him.

Suddenly feeling self-conscious I spoke to break his stare. (The first ones Kims, obviously followed by Jared)

-"uhh hey" I said awkwardly.

-He awkwardly coughed before he said hey back.

-That had me laughing, which brought a smile to his face. "So what are we going to do?"

-"It's totally up to you, but I thought we could work on that project at the library, then maybe get something to eat?"

-"Yeah that sounds cool" I replied.

Now someone correct me but that's kind of sounds like a date, and just that thought made me want to faint. Jared automatically looked over to me as we walked to his car "Are you all right?" he asked."Yeah I'm fine." I answered while mentally stabbing myself. When things get good I have to be the one to fuck them up, as always. Nothing else was said until we were at the library. The few times I looked over at him he seemed nervous. I never thought of him as being shy, but like they say looks can be deceiving which was very obvious in this case.

I sure as hell needed to have an amazing personality if I ever wanted to get close to him. I'd seen how the most beautiful girls at school looked at him. I don't stand a chance. So why would he want me?

Before now I'd never even spoken to him. What was the sudden change? What was making him start to care for me? Right now I can't answer that but whatever it is I'm thankful for it.

When we pulled up to one of the oldest buildings on the reservation, with a very poor selection of books inside, I reached back to grab my bag from the back seat. Him being the gentleman I was slowly learning him to be, had reached back to grab it at the same time. As we bumped into each other, I realized my left wrist was on display.

The scars weren't that visible but of course he noticed. My heart stopped as he grabbed my arm. His eyes had bulged out looking as if they were about to pop out of his head. "What are these he asked slowly" with a look of unbelievable concern working its way onto his face.

I suddenly became mean and defensive "how am I supposed to know!" the look in his eyes killed me. "Why would you hurt yourself?" he asked. He voice was calm, but I wasn't. I was scared and fragile. He wasn't supposed to notice, no one was supposed to notice. How ironic was it that he was the one?

I pulled my wrist out of his hands as I spoke "We need to get started on the project." That was all I said before I grabbed my bag and jumped out of the car. Luckily I didn't trip.

He quickly followed."Look I'm sorry. I just want to help" he said before we entered. I didn't want or need his help because nothing is wrong with me.

"I don't need help!" I said angrily as an elderly woman passed us. She looked at me as if I'd lost my mind.

He looked sad, id silenced him. I didn't even make it the rest of the night. I asked him to take me home when we left the library.

I most certainly wasn't eating now, not after what had happened. I ended crying myself to sleep that night. Thinking of how everything had gone wrong.

Would he tell anyone? Report me to a counselor? I really hope he wouldn't.

Of course I could always deny it, and with that thought a wolf howled somewhere in the woods. Slowly I drifted to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

~~~~ Two chapters in one day!...and I'm waking up at 5 tomorrow, so I should be sleeping, but I can't. ~~~~~

I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I wish I could go back to sleep. I wish things could be a little clearer. For the longest time I've been so ashamed of myself. I can barely look myself in mirror.

I'm empty inside and out. I want to look in the mirror and see change. The worst part of all of this, is knowing I'm bigger than most girls starving themselves. I'm more disgusting, more in need of it. I guess that's part of the reason I've been cutting.

Today I felt like the biggest idiot. He was right, I probably need some help, but I can't allow myself to have it. I'm not good enough for happiness, not yet at least. I want to see how people treat me when I'm thin, when I'm perfect.

These thoughts brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure I looked a mess right now, but I didn't care. I've been pushing everything to the side except for weight loss. My school work just wasn't getting done.

Everyday I've been working out, and skipping meals. Compliments honestly make me feel worse. I'm suffocated by this. I'll always be trapped inside of my body. If people notice me losing weight what's it going to be like if I mess up?

It's a never ending cycle. So starving me isn't enough for me, that's why I purge; eating without the consequence. I'd rather slowly rot my teeth than gain weight. I don't know how I let myself get this big.

I'm disgusting, and worthless. When I was little, all the other girls went out and bought dresses, while I stuffed my face. Back then that was good enough, I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong. I couldn't feel ashamed or guilty, even when I got made fun of.

It took all this time for their words to really hit me. All this time they were trying to help me. I've always been told that the truth hurts. What did I expect, for people to lie to me? If anything they were doing me a favor.

I usually feel like no one understands me. How cliché is that? When I see a teen girl in a movie who thinks no one understands she's always thin. That's what makes it different.

I want people to like me, but how can they? Maybe I should just give up. I'd thought of suicide a lot, but never really wanted to stop fighting. That's what I was though, a fighter; strong.

If only I could truly believe that. I can do this. I can make it through. I'll reach my goal weight, no matter what it takes. I'll be happy, once I'm thin. I'll be free. That's all that matters to me. I'll just have to do something about Jared.

Let him believe nothing's wrong. I'll magically be healed, finding myself somewhere high up in the clouds. I can do this, I can lie, and I can act. No one needs to know the truth.

Still completely awake, I decided to get on another Pro Ana blog. After clicking past a content warning I was reading about how someone was currently doing. It showed a girl completely mortified over a 3 pound weight gain in the course of three weeks.

I clicked on a new website. The first post was-

"I feel fat today. I'm disgusting. I have no self-control. I promised my boyfriend I would eat and I did. Now I hate myself even more for it. I don't want to lie to him but now it seems like I have to. Fuck this eating disorder, I want to get better…..but I want to be skinny. If only there was a simple solution. Why can't life be easy?

Was that going to happen between me and Jared? If me and Jared ever turn into something? Right now I'm not even sure if he'll speak to me again. Suddenly my alarm went off. Had I really been thinking that long?

I fucking hate Mondays and this would probably be one of the hardest. Sighing as I got up, I headed straight to the bathroom. My hair was a mess and I had bags under my eyes. I put a head band on before I washed my face; afterwards I brushed my teeth and flattened my hair. Braiding my bangs back, then running back to my room for my make up bag.

I honestly just didn't feel like putting any on. I had to though, especially after staying up half the night. I was just so weak and hungry. Everything was starting to seem much more difficult.

Once again I put on mascara, foundation, blush, eyeliner, and lip-gloss. I headed back to my room to pick out my outfit for the day. After about 5 minutes of searching Id made up my mind on what I was going to wear.

A blue v-neck, with a grey tank top underneath, a white and grey scarf, skinny jeans, and my grey Uggs. Lastly, I added earrings to match. I grabbed my bag and went out to wait for the bus. I hope today will get better.

Today. I'm disgusting. I have no self-control.  
I promised my boyfriend that I would eat and I did. Now I hate myself even more for it. ...


	9. Chapter 9

~~~Hey! It may be a bit difficult for me to write this because I started on Monday, and it is currently Thursday…so…Review? ~~~T

The girl's words still echoed in my head as I continued to wait for my bus. This of course was running late. I couldn't really complain though, I should be thankful I wasn't one of those kids they tell the driver to skip. I really don't feel like walking.

It's not completely a lazy thing either. That's just not how I want to start the week. How did I want to start? Preferably being driven by Jared, and then having him walk me to my classes. That was dream I should just give up on.

I know what would get him though; if I was thin. How embarrassing is it for a guy to have me as a girlfriend? I'm like a bulldozer, trampling through the halls. I think a good enough start would be not starting this day at all.

In the end all I would have is more drama. New insecurities to keep me awake at night. Have I mentioned how tired I am? Today, I don't feel like doing anything. No matter how tired I felt I couldn't sleep. It was really ruining my mood.

I have no energy to even try to talk to anyone. When I finally got on the bus I tried my hardest to ignore the way the girl next to me smelt. I would just try to keep my head on the seat in front of me. I knew it wasn't her fault no one cared for her house.

She could at least make time for a shower. I being the nice girl that I am wouldn't say anything. At least not to her face. Wow that made me sound wonderful, I thought sarcastically. My morning wasn't exceptional. I ate breakfast.

When I say ate, I mean both poptarts.I know it's really not that horrible, but wasn't I supposed to be starving? Wasn't I supposed to be getting somewhere? I would just have to try harder.

I made it to my second period, enrichments. I didn't need enriching so I get to sit and play a keyboard. I had friends in that class and that was enough for me. We'd decided to ask to go across the hall to a different class.

I had to ask myself. It was one of my teachers and honestly I expected her to say yes, but she didn't. I had to walk away feeling rejected. I knew my emotions were getting the best of me but it actually stung. I was never her favorite but still. I was flunking her class and a little extra help wouldn't have killed her.

That's how I felt the for the rest of the day, confused, tired, and rejected. Everything got worse when Jared wouldn't even look at me; if he tried to they would quick worried looks I wasn't sure of. I guess I really did mess everything up.


	10. Chapter 10

~~ I just don't feel like writing): Review? ~~~

I know I have my ups and downs, but I'm not ready to give up on Jared. I need to use this opportunity. Nothing bad can happen if he honestly does care. I just need to believe in myself. So that's my plan as soon as I see him again, I'm going to be myself.

I also need to apologize for what happened a few days ago. Maybe I can pretend it didn't happen. Really he hasn't seen the worst of it. My worst scars are on my legs.

Before I actually get another chance to talk to Jared, I need to make it through my weekend. I sighed, I haven't been sleeping well lately and my weekend was full.

As soon as I got home I had to call the babysitter for my brother. I redid my hair and makeup. My curls weren't working out so I put it all up in a bun. I texted Kara and asked her if she was already on her way to pick me up.

A few minutes later she was knocking on my door. We were supposed to be making pizzas at her youth group. I personally wasn't religious at all. I zoned out on the drive there. When we walked in I finally realized what this was really about.

I saw over a hundred pizza boxes. This was a fundraiser, meaning I'd be working for a trip I'd never go on. They put us to work quickly after we'd gotten there... Everyone had to wear a hairnet. None of the other teens were even close to my size.

Most of the girls there were blonde, obviously no one I'd know too well from the reservation. One of the girls in particular kept looking at me like she was better than me. Someone I didn't even know, thought I was trash?

I soon found out the girls name was Lauren. She had short blonde hair, and she wasn't the prettiest girl. She was thin, and I guess that's all that matters. After I'd spent about an hour and a half helping out we actually got to eat.

Sadly I ate 3 pieces, but Kara's friend Christy ate 6. Christy was a natural twig, which prevented her from getting a look from Lauren like I did. She didn't have to worry about what she ate. On the off side she wasn't very pretty which to me ruined everything.

You can't help the way you look, but you can change how much you weigh. It's my fault I got this big. Someone who's ugly didn't make themselves ugly. Really it's just my opinion that's she not pretty. Someone else could find her beautiful.

Maybe that's what Jared thought about me. Maybe he had a different sense of beauty. Maybe he wasn't as stupid or judgmental as other people. Still I'm not sure if he does like me to begin with.

These thoughts played in my head for the rest of the night. We went to bed around 10. I was the first to fall asleep and the last to wakeup. We sat and watched movies till Saturday afternoon when it was time to take me home.

I had eaten pizza rolls and cereal with toast at Kara's. Things had been changing lately and I hadn't had the chance to talk about anything important with Kara. I was stressed, and obviously she was suffering from frequent mood swings.

Her parents were going through a divorce and Kara was having some of the same problems I was. Not nearly as bad as mine though. She was only 15 pounds overweight but in a place like this she stood out.

Apparently shed been dieting, but I couldn't tell. She was eating whatever she wanted without a second thought. When I made it home, I put my stuff in my room. Soon after my mom came out and asked what I was doing here.

Her boyfriend was coming over, and she didn't think I'd be home. That's how much she pays attention. The guy comes over every night; I don't understand why she can't go to his house and scar his children's ears.

My friend Elisha texted me later that night and asked if I wanted to stay the night. I told my mom I was leaving and she didn't stop to ask where I was going. She seemed happier that she'd get to have just him here instead.

I'd let her have this, she the one who taught me relationships don't last. So when he dumps her she'll get what she deserves. I packed my bag once again, waiting to get picked up. They had trouble finding my house, something rare in a place this small. This was the first time I'd actually been to Elisha's house. She was about my weight, maybe a bit more. We had different body shapes though. Most popular guys hated her for being such a bitch to them.

I had no idea what was in store for me when I opened the red van door. I greeted Elisha as I sat down with my bag placed on my lap. I noticed her dad was overweight, her mother obese, her little brother overweight and, the other normal.

I paid the most attention to her mom; she'd had problems from being diabetic. I noticed the huge mole on her neck and her way too thin blonde hair. I didn't pay attention to any of her family member's names.

We got to her house, it was descent. Once inside I noticed there was a weird smell. A smell that never left the rest of the night. I complained that I was tired early, and she put in bring it on as I fell asleep on the floor in front of her bed.

I would eat and I did. Now I hate myself even more for it. ...


	11. Chapter 11

I can't help but feel alone right now. I was dropped off from Elisha's a few hours ago. As I study the marks on my legs, shame and guilt suffocate me. Thank-god not many people knew about these.

I feel bad enough as is; I don't need anyone else to point it out to me. Comments, shocked voices, and strict requests were things I want to avoid at all costs. I felt so low right now. Why would I ever do something like this to myself?

Did it really take me this long to see some value in myself? Was I insane for ever even trying something like this? Had I lost my mind and replaced it with a razor blade? I knew I'd been sad, a little suicidal to.

All because I wasn't thin? I've always had deep rooted problems with my weight. From the time I was child, id always been called fat and made fun of for it; was taught it wasn't right. Majority of everyone id ever known had ended up saying something rude about it. Maybe not trying to, but it still happened.

I used to be so shy and insecure that I couldn't talk to people, because I was afraid they'd make fun of me if I said one thing wrong. All because I'm fat, and worthless. I'd always thought I was less because of my weight.

The scars I carry on the outside, match the ones within. No matter what they resemble, they weren't anything I want. I thought I knew what I was doing; I wish someone would have stopped me. Right now all the skin above my knee was scarred.

All scars fade though, rite? Maybe they'll be good enough in a year that I could wear a bathing suit. I f I lost the weight that is. I have stretch marks that had formed when I was about 8 and had gotten worse since then.

I honestly don't know who to blame for all of this, except myself. If I just don't tell anyone I can pretend they're not there. For a little while that works, until I'm looking in the mirror again.

My guilt multiplies when I think of all the people who'd been scarred in accidents. Like a girl on the reservation named Emily. A while back she was mauled by a bear. Scars ran from the side of her face and down her arm.

That was something she didn't inflict on herself. It wasn't her choice, and now her life is ruined by it. I've hurt myself, and the sad thing is that I still do it! I need to view the marks on my legs as reminders.

Reminding me not to cut again; to value myself. I'm not completely there with starving, and purging yet. I haven't lost any more weight with making myself vomit up to 3 times a day.

Another thing that was causing me shame. So from now I'll try to starve on; willpower will keep me strong. I know what I want, and I need to prove it! For now, I just need to make it through the rest of my day.

Tomorrows Monday; the start of a new week.

~~~~ REVIEW? PLEASE ~~~


	12. Chapter 12

~~~ So I honestly have a hard time feeling bad, for myself right now. I mean I fucked up. I'd really appreciate some feedback on this chapter on what I should do. I'm not sure what I'm writing yet, but obviously anything about "Jared" didn't happen. Also I'm sorry this update took so long. I'm changing so much, and I've been through a lot lately. ~~~

Kara just hadn't been around me lately; which was really my fault. I hadn't answered texts, or calls, or stopped to say hey in the halls. It was bothering her a lot more than it was me. I didn't want to completely ditch her just because id made new friends. I was having problems with are friendship. The only thing that made me want to try was that fact we were supposed to be best friends.

I'm nothing special and I shouldn't believe I'm better than her. I just can't help it though, and I'm sorry. Nearly everything about me has changed. I'm a writer, I got new bangs, I cut myself, I starve myself, I purge, I lie to myself, I don't know where I'm at with weight loss or anything period. I made a brand new group of friends, I'm hanging out with new people after school, and I'm doing a lot of crazy things that all look like a cry for help.

I'd done some fucked up shit this weekend, but none of it was as bad as last night. ~~~

I met up with savannah, Selena, and Ebany. I had asked my dad to take us all to the mall. As we waited for him to drive here, we sat on the swing set. We were in the middle of a trashy apartment complex savannah lived in. They apartments were overly small with red bricks, and dirty white windows.

We joked on the ride there, as if nothing was going on. My dad was clueless and had agreed to give us our space. We went in threw Jcpennys. We had planned to go shoplifting. Something else that was new.

I wasn't ashamed or guilty, mostly proud. Proud I was doing something for myself, proud I could get away with it. We decided to do it at Macys. We all went into dressing rooms planning to put the clothes in purses or under our clothes.

I shared a dressing room with Savannah. She saw the scars on my legs and said they weren't that bad. Maybe I had some hope. Ebany was being way too loud. I had no idea what they were doing. I ripped the tags off and put the shorts on under my jeans. Savannah stuffed 3 Hello Kitty shirts in her bag.

I heard Ebany talking to woman outside the dressing room. I'd heard about stores hiring snitches to watch who stole, but I didn't think much of it. I figured if that was true a worker would be back here talking to us.

After savannah and I had everything ready we walked out of the dressing room. I thought it was odd how the woman was just stood there. Again I thought nothing of it. We looked around for a little while longer before we left.

I pulled out my phone and saw that I had a text from Kara "what did u steal?" Wed made it outside the store without alarms going off, and as I was ready to respond until I heard a voice behind me. It was that woman. She looked excited as she ran towards us. She was smiling while her body was shaking.

She came by saying "hey girls guess who I am? I work with Macy's loss prevention. I've caught you guys shoplifting!" She unzipped her jacket, while showing us all the tags.

The led us to a room in the back. I listened to the codes being called on there walky-talkies. She checked our bags; everyone had showed her something except for me. "You're wearing merchandise" she stated, while another woman in the door way laughed.

I unzipped my pants and took the shorts off. They stared at me. Once I was finished the woman looked at me again. "Your still wearing merchandise" was all she said. I shook my head no while she looked down my shirt and checked my tags. After that I sat down, she hadn't found anything else.

They passed a paper around telling us to write our full names down and our parent's number. I considered putting a fake name and saw that nobody else had. I turned my phone off and put down my number instead. I thought they were going to leave our parents a message and let us go with a warning. Selena or Ebanys mother was called first I can't remember which one. All I can say was that ebanys mother was yelling that she'd be right her.

Ebany looked at me and said all her mom would do was hit her. Nobody answered for savannah, she started crying when they told her if none came in the next 45 minutes shed be sent to Juvenile. My dad was already at the mall so of course he showed up.

He was joking around with us obviously hiding his emotion. Next to arrive was Selena's mother. She gave Selena a dirty look that made her look like an angry bull. She started laughing as she told Selena her ass was hers when she gets home. They put us into their system as shoplifters. My dad corrected them trying to say my middle name was spelt wrong. It wasn't "my bad" was all he said. Everyone gave him a weird look.

I was the last to be entered they asked for basic things like our weights, hair color, and eye color. A while later Ebanys mom showed up banging on the door. She had dark skin with features that made her look like a man.

She shook her head at ebany while saying "you're going to be lucky if you have a light when we get home." I was thankful for the way my dad was acting. They finally got a hold of savannahs guardian. We found we each were fined $300.00.

The parent's just shook their heads; my dad was the only one to pay upfront. I look around to notice Selena and Ebany crying. Soon after I grabbed my things and left. Macys had decided not to press charges.

I was numb while I walked out. My dad spoke about it on the way back. He didn't yell and he didn't want my sorry's. It was pointless; he thought my mother was going to go off on me. He followed me inside.

I put my head down as my mom walked out. I expected her to be waiting but she wasn't. Ellis came out first calling me a bank robber. My mom was laughing, she wasn't mad. My dad spanked me with a belt much to my embarrassment and left. I was grounded for a month but that probably wouldn't last. They took my phone, and my Kindle.

I didn't complain, he had to pay $300, and that was all I was sorry for. It made up for my birthday and Christmas though. I don't know how I feel about it all. I'm sure I'll do it again though. My dad had told me in the car that when I'm at the bottom of the hole, I need to stop digging. I guess I'm not at the bottom of my hole yet. Also Ebanys mother had apparently beat her in the parking lot. What a nice ending.


	13. Chapter 13

~~~~ Hey it's been a while…I wish I could explain...The truth is that I've just been a lazy bitch...And this will probably be a sad chapter...I keep trying to make it happier, but it's coming from my heart. Yes it's been 21 days since my last update, and I really hope people still want to read this? I want to add Jared in but I'm just not sure how? ~~~~

I'm so confused...again I'm here alone. I don't understand why this shit happens to me. This time I fucked everything up, and now he wants nothing to do with me. I guess I got what I deserve.

*A few days earlier*

The fat girl had got hers, I had Jared. Something I wouldn't have ever dreamed, something I couldn't imagine. Looking back now I don't know how it started. It's only been a few weeks. Everything was so easy, it was finally my time. At least that's what it seemed like on the outside.

He knew something wasn't right, he'd seen the scars. I knew something wasn't right and I lied any time he tried to say something. It didn't matter to me if I had Jared; I still wasn't good enough for him. Even if he wouldn't say it I knew it. I could tell there was something he was keeping from me, something big.

I got over my suspicion any time I caught him looking at me. There was just so much love in his eyes. Something I didn't deserve. I guess I didn't I guess that's why I didn't appreciate it.

Every day after id see Jared id run to Brandon. I felt disgusting every time. "Friends with benefits" something I couldn't say out loud. I hadn't even told Kara.

I was trash dirty, slutty, fat, stealing, lying trash. That's not even all that id let myself become. I'm finally ungrounded my mom not checking the actual date. Also not watching me enough to know I'd been sneaking out this whole time, but hey its summer vacation.

I'm not proud of myself by any means. Maybe that's why id started cutting again. I officially felt like I had a problem with eating. Any time I ate anything I felt guilt that had me running to the bathroom to purge.

My eyes have been bloodshot every day. I had a sore throat that was really starting to get to me.

There were only so many places me and Brandon could have sex and I wasn't the classiest.

*Today*

We`d chose a spot in the woods. As we walked there we made little conversation that was thickly coded with my guilt. I couldn't stand myself. Every day I met up with 2 different guys, carried condoms, caked my face with makeup and continuously felt like shit.

Things were going the way the usually did. I was able to lose myself and let things happen. Let my body react the way it wanted to. Id stopped worrying, and Brandon hadn't said anything about my scars.

Suddenly I heard a growl around me. I instantly jolted up hurting myself in the process. I looked into the eyes of an oversized wolf. I was terrified; it glared at me and gave Brandon the most hateful look.

I felt guilty as I realized the eyes reminded me of Jared's. I knew he was keeping something from me but this? I'd heard legends but I never believed them to be true….

I was right, Jared wouldn't return any of my calls, and I saw his good friend Paul on the way home. He gave me one of his dirtiest looks...I still can't believe it...Leave it to Kim to fuck everything up. So for now ill sneak out and get drunk with Brandon because things just aren't working out for me.

REVIEW!


	14. Chapter 14

~~~Hey, I hope you guys are doing great! It feels like this is my only little window I have to talk to the people reading this story. I've gotten a few of the nicest reviews anyone could get. I truly do appreciate any feedback. Even if I haven't responded to someone's review please don't think I don't care or that I'm not reading it. Truth is sometimes when I try to respond it just doesn't go through. Also this isn't a story I want to give up on. It's got so much of my personal life in it that I can't find it in me to quick. At least not yet. Also if anyone out there is reading this and has the some of the same struggles you can always inbox me for help. I'm sorry if this story isn't all that you've imagined it to be, I really am trying. ~~~

*Flashback of last night*

The walk over here was cold and dark. Not very many cars drove past me. Although I was alone, I felt like someone was watching. No one cared for me, it didn't matter where I went or who I was with.

"Ohh Kim you're a bad girl" Brandon said. I'd been drunkenly complaining about how I'd snuck out, and what time my mom may be home. Even then I knew the real Kim didn't like what she was doing, but instead of doing anything about it I just laughed.

We were with a few other people I'd seen at school, some I didn't even know. Brandon's hands were all over me. I ignored anything my mind tried to tell me. I wasn't good, I didn't deserve anything good.

I knew what I'd done to Jared. I still couldn't fully come to believe he was a wolf. Of course there'd have to be something wrong with him to like me. I tried to find out what I was doing while Brandon dragged me up to a bedroom.

I felt bad, I was finally realizing what I was doing wasn't right. I felt myself trying to find a way to get away from him. I didn't know how to get out. My heart started to race when I saw that Brandon had seen my need to leave, and kept pulling me.

Every time we'd been together id let him take control. This time was different; I was finally doing what I wanted. In all honesty what I wanted was to be wanted, but not like this.

This was sick and pathetic, having sex with a guy who didn't even like me. I didn't even like me. As much as I wanted to leave I couldn't. This was my fault, I knew better.

I felt tears coming down my cheeks as my clothes were ripped off. Everything happening so slowly, every detail scarring my mind…

On the way out I looked at the girls on the couch. Guys who had their hands all over them, guys they probably didn't even know. They sat there drunk and giggling having the time of their lives.

Why couldn't that be me? "Because you're the fat girl", "If you were thin and beautiful you wouldn't have to worry either", "You could have everything if you had some control" all things that had spilt out of my mind.

As much as they hurt they were right. This was my fault. I don't deserve to be happy and eat like normal girls. I'm not a normal girl; I ruined any chance I had of that. So now I'd show me what I deserved. Tomorrow I would start a 21 day fast. I could do it. I have control.

I wouldn't be thin when it was over, I would have to keep fighting.


	15. Chapter 15

~~ I know, it's been a while again...I hope I find it in me to update more often. ~~

My phone rings I read the screen, and it's an unknown number. I push mute. It rings again, I answer. There's no way to explain the emptiness I felt; the cold unshakeable, desire to disappear. I can't stand myself.

My mom had plans, and I had to leave. Again. I just got back today. The cloud that forever covers me reappears screaming in my face. I'm dull, and I'm lifeless. I guess I'm too old to wonder why my mom would rather fuck her boyfriend every other day then get to know me.

It's not like I don't understand that she's an adult and needs her space, but I have nothing. All we do is fight, or she makes fun of me. I won't let her know how I really feel because even if I feel encouraged at the moment, the next minute shell find a way for my insecurities to be further smashed down in my heart.

Let's just say things haven't been great since that day. Jared had came around, I was so thankful for that. Even with him here I got darker each day. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

He came out about being a wolf. I'd heard the legends as a child, the "protectors of our lands." I thought Jared was interested in me but, I couldn't be sure. I knew I wasn't good enough for him.

The fact cut even further into me one day when I hung out with him. We were at the beach while his "pack" was there, but we kept our distance. Even though we were far away I could see Embry and Paul looking my way and laughing.

Jared looked really apologetic and mad. I felt bad enough, but they needed to make jokes and make it worse. Needless to say I've been cutting. I'm nothing, I wish I could fade into someone else; anyone else at this point. I didn't want to think of suicide as an option.

A few days ago I took a full bottle of my mom's sleeping pills. I'd hoped afterwards I wouldn't wake up; sadly I ended up passing out instead; with bad stomach pains and a fever the next day.

Something I haven't told anyone about, but conveniently Kara mentioned something about me overdosing the next time I saw her. Saying that if I was to die from an overdose it would be my fault and she wouldn't show up to my funeral.

What a great best friend! I want to stay in bed all day and never wake up. I'm tired of trying. Still I have to put up a front; I can't let people know what's really going on. Now that everything's this serious.

I hate thinking that I've been spending my free time imagining ways to off myself…Review?


	16. Chapter 16

~~Well hey lovelies! I'm really not too happy at this very moment but, I'll try to write a happy chapter. As much as I'm starting to think I love being sad, I feel like everyone else wants a happy ending. This is so hard for me to give when I feel this stuck. Things should be better…maybe not for me, but for Kim. Reviews keep me writing... ~~~

I've been thinking about this a lot lately; that there is no savior. No one's magically going to appear, and make things better. That's all on me; I need to go on choose to be happy. That just leaves me wondering how.

I wish I could stop. Stop thinking, stop pretending, and stop imagining a different life. I feel like it's controlling me…like I'm not in tune with my life. In my mind I've tried to play someone else, anyone else.

Maybe it's my imagination trying to rid me of myself. I can sit and make myself comfortable while stuffing my face and pretend it's not happening. It is though…everything's happening. And it's my entire fault; I've actually gained 4 pounds.

I'm not proud…its killing me. I hate knowing I'm going to see Jared and knowing that I've gotten BIGGER. I wonder how embarrassed he feels when he has to be seen with me. I hate making things harder on him, I hate myself.

I feel like all of these things have been helping start the binge/purge cycle. I don't know how to describe it. I feel so stuck...so trapped in myself? Like any change I make will only be temporary. I don't know how stop feeling this way...this low.

Cutting is helping me cover the things I can't think about, or figure out, understand, or deal with. I feel surrounded but so alone at the same time. So every day I pretend it just not happening, and it just gets worse.

Our project was long over and Jared and I had become friends. In fact a little bit more then friends. It was great! He was everything and anything I could've wanted. I really hope it all works out well.

As for Kara well...I felt like I gave everything and what she gave in return had no meaning. It was blank and she took it all away with rude comments.

I admit that I'm not the nicest girl but I think I deserve more from my "best friend" or is it too much to ask? We'd spent the last 2 nights at my grandmothers while I had been there a few days before, because id been caught drinking. This has leaded me to being grounded. I honestly didn't see what the problem was of course I'm underage but who doesn't do it anyway?

Kara and I had gone to incredible pizza. Where we stuffed our faces and she forced me to drive go karts and play laser tag. I crashed on the first lap. Afterwards a bunch of way too old guys on the track got pissed and stared out me while I laughed.

I fucked up again as I tried to park the go kart where they attended told me just to leave. Embarrassed I rushed off to Kara towards the laser tag. A place where I ended up being beaten by a 4 year old and his father. It was a fun time.

We went to redeem our tickets for prizes. We didn't know how many we had. I heard an old blonde women tell what I assumed to be her granddaughter shed go figure it out. I grabbed Kara and followed the women out. She was at some machine. Once she left we did what she'd done.

Swiping our cards twice we came to find out id won over 400 tickets while Kara only had 83. We went back to the prizes where I picked out a few things for my little brother….It was a good day.


End file.
